The power of one reliable adult
Perhaps we do not always need to ask whether we have found the newest method or the perfect activity. Sometimes, it is equally important to ask whether the young people we work with experience us as consistent, respectful and trustworthy adults.
Do I follow through when I say I will do something? Do I notice and follow up? Do I respect their boundaries and agency? Can I admit when I am wrong? Do young people know what they can expect from me? These may seem like small questions, yet they point towards something fundamental in youth work: the quality of the relationships we build with young people matters.
Research on resilience repeatedly highlights the importance of supportive relationships in young people’s development. For example, on paper "Supportive Relationships and Active Skill-Building Strengthen the Foundations of Resilience" (2015) the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University points out that one of the most common protective factors among adolescents who are able to cope with serious adversity is having at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive adult. These relationships can help buffer stress while also supporting the development of skills needed to adapt to challenges and move forward.
This does not mean that one adult can solve everything happening in a young person’s life. Nor does it mean that youth workers, teachers, coaches or facilitators should become responsible for meeting every emotional need a young person has. Rather, it draws attention to the potential of consistent, responsive and trustworthy relationships within a wider network of support.
And being a reliable adult can look surprisingly ordinary in everyday practice. It might mean remembering something a young person shared during your previous meeting, keeping a promise, noticing when their behaviour changes, asking how something went, being honest when you do not know the answer or simply continuing to show up.
Peter C. Scales, Eugene C. Roehlkepartain, Benjamin J. Houltberg on their review of a research on the elements of developmental relationships (2022) offer a useful way of understanding this. There are five elements of relationships that can support young people's development identified: expressing care, challenging growth, providing support, sharing power and expanding possibilities. These are translated into practical relational actions, including being dependable, listening, believing in young people, collaborating with them and creating opportunities for them to lead.I find this particularly important because it is possible to care deeply about someone while also challenging them, giving them responsibility and allowing them to make decisions. In fact, meaningful relationships can create the conditions in which young people gradually take greater ownership of their choices and development. If the relationship becomes one in which the adult always has the answer, makes the decisions or steps in to solve every difficulty, support can unintentionally become dependence. A more developmental relationship asks something different of us: to remain present while gradually making more room for the young person's own voice.
There is an important difference between supporting someone through a challenge and taking the challenge away from them.
A scholar Kristin Anderson Moore on her blog post "Why positive youth development works" (2016) reflects a similar perspective. Rather than approaching young people primarily through problems or deficits, we should emphasise strengths, opportunities, meaningful participation and positive relationships with caring adults.
At the same time, being a supportive adult requires boundaries. Reliability does not mean being available at all times, taking responsibility for every difficulty, or stepping into professional roles for which we are not qualified. A youth worker does not need to become a therapist. A facilitator does not need to become every participant's closest confidant. And caring about a young person does not mean becoming responsible for their decisions.
In one of my recent instagram posts about youth resilience i posed a question: “What kind of relationships and environments make resilience possible?” that is strongly connected with idea of one reliable adult. Of course, we should be careful not to romanticise it. A caring relationship cannot remove poverty, discrimination, unsafe environments, difficult family circumstances, mental health challenges or other structural and personal factors affecting a young person's life. Nor should responsibility for a young person's wellbeing ever be placed on one adult relationship alone. Professional services, families, communities, peer relationships, educational institutions and wider systems all matter, but relationships remain one important part of the environments we create around young people.
And for those of us working as youth workers, educators, mentors, coaches or facilitators, this gives us something very practical to reflect on. Perhaps we do not always need another method. Sometimes we need to become better at showing up, listening, following through, respecting boundaries and taking young people seriously.
If you work with young people and would like to reflect more deeply on your own role, you might want to take a look at a free resource I have created "10 Ways to Become a More Reliable Adult for Young People" (available at resources section of the website)
Krista Kristiāna Kristapsone,
an ICF-accredited coach, educator and youth worker,
Founder and President of an NGO "Youth Initiative Center "Involvement for Change""